Retarded

 One week after the beginning of final year and I am in Banting for  PCM posting.Life is simple and peaceful here. Wake up morning, go to the clinic with bunch of friendly doctors and nurses, ward round follow by a carefree evening which you can go to ward, cycling, jogging or cooking. No shopping mall here, no theater, no neway and i dont miss any of that. I sleep before 12pm everyday and wake up before 8am. I start to wonder, maybe i am suit with this kind of life. So, this posting unexpectedly tell me where i should go for MO, what kind of life I am suit to. I dont know, it's just some random thought.

 Despite the carefree life style here, I am actually in a very blur and retarded mode. Less than one year, we will be facing MBBS final exam. And, we are supposedly equip with some medical knowledge from the past 4 years, yet i feel myself so empty. The nurses know better than me. I cannot recall the drug names, some disease condition, anatomy..bla bla. I am so blur during clinic and could not answer most question correctly. SHIT. so disappointed with myself. I shall not let this condition to be continue.

 Of course, i am not that kind of person that will not get back after fall down. But, looking back the life as medical students, so many to study, to memorize, on call with a clear mind? post call with a clear mind? I am survive through this four years by memorise past years questions, study and never remember anything. I wonder whether i can go through all these. I just feel TOO MUCH to know, TOO MUCH to study and i feel like i am not capable to go through all these. Yet, i dont want to give up in front of obstacles and hardship. However, i keep asking myself, Is this the life i want. OMG, so i am fighting with my own thought every nights. hmmm. There is no back way and i am pushing myself to proceed.Yea, it's correct that i do like medicine whereby i do like to listen to pts's stories, talk to them, comfort them. But, still the knowledge is overload.Now i know why every seniors turn older look after they enter final year.  HAHA. The overload knowledge, the stress, the self fighting mental. NAH! HOW? i dont know.


 Just hope that i can stop being so retarded and just read and do whatever i can la.

~ Posted all the way from Banting Hostel, when i am ponteng-ing the class~CHILL XD